Amy

            In rehab, they didn't allow cell phones, mp3 players, Kindles, Walkmans, (because some of us just can't let go)

or anything electronic, really. Not that I brought one, but they even made the guys with electric razors or clippers keep them locked up with the meds, and sign them out and back in every time they wanted to shave. There was one phone for eighteen people, and two computers with internet for use in job hunting, resume writing, and email checking. It was repeated, almost to the point of contention, that the computers were NOT to be used for Facebook or other social media. The reasoning behind the prohibition of technology (at least as it was explained to me) was that all of us were there to work on ourselves and not to distract ourselves with the outside world for 45 days. I felt like mentioning the giant television with cable in the common area, in the spirit of continuity, but already knew how that would work out. As far as the electric shaving gear went, I still don't know what the point of that was. I mean, the company that the rehab is part of is called North Range Behavioral Health, not North Range Drug and Alcohol Treatment, and it wasn't just addicts in the program. There were people in there with severe psychiatric disorders, and I could understand the why the use of regular razors was diligently monitored.

The staff pretended not to see these, but everybody knew.

           During the first half of my stay, there was a female client in residence with all sorts of triggers, neuroses, and problems in general, I guess. In the beginning, she wasn't full-on bonkers; she had severe separation anxiety, co-dependance, issues that had something to do with her father (I never actually knew what kind- I just sort of assumed she was molested), PTSD and alcoholism. Basically, things that the staff and therapists were adequately trained to deal with. In my opinion, she wouldn't respond to treatment. That was what pissed me off; she took up a lot of time in groups with the same stuff, wouldn't listen to anything anybody had to say, and turned two and a half hours into what seemed like a fucking decade.

             She only got worse over the next two weeks: She went to the hospital once for what turned out to be water poisoning (not like cyanide in the water, she just drank it so compulsively it messed with her system). She had been rocking back and forth in groups since I got there, but she really stepped it up to the point that you couldn't overlook it anymore. She would walk around arguing with herself, and made strange comments about how she was “going to be with her Stephanie soon,” whatever that meant. I got the razor-monitoring in theory before this, but when this woman started playing what she called “hide the razor” with the staff, I gained a new understanding of why.

"Soon we will all be with my Stephanie…"

              Like a lot of people with PTSD, my situational awareness is pretty high. When I get around people who have lost touch with reality, my guard goes up and I get real edgy. This woman put me on edge all the time; she was an out of her mind, razor hiding insomniac in a building with no lockable bedroom doors. Fucked my sleep up worse than ever. The therapists sent her to detox for a few days, to try and figure out what to do with her, but since she was sober they couldn't keep her in detox for very long. She came back for maybe a week and made everybody nervous, but they didn't do anything about it until she sat outside for an hour rocking and shaking, yelling “Amen!” and other religious things with her arms raised to the sky. It was like she was getting plowed by the holy ghost; that's literally what came to mind.

No way in Hell that's the pizza guy.

              The paramedics came and took her to the hospital again, and this time she didn't come back. Whoever decides these things decided that she should be in the Acute Treatment Unit for people with issues that need to be handled pharmaceutically, who also have substance abuse issues. The ATU is also known (to anybody who has spent an extended amount of time in Detox) as the crazy side, because detox and ATU share the same building and the people over there are fucking crazy. She didn't come back to rehab, but she called the client phone at least five times a day for the remainder of my stay.

           Anyways, since I've been out of treatment I've been using my ipod non-stop. I ride the bus and walk everywhere, and since I try to stay out of the Lighthouse as much as I can, I spend a pretty good portion of the day with my headphones on.

I think I might need some new music.